The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
