Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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