I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
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