I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
A bitchslap is in order.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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