i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
