thus making me awesome and them whores
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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