woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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