I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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