Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize