I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
