Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Randomize
