How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Randomize
