so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
