she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
