bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
