Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
