Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
