The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You're a waste of cheezeits
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
