just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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