i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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