Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
