i jhust puked up my retainher.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
