I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm too high and old for this...
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
