My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
