my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize