I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
