Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize