While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
