If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
