Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
