What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
We need a shit load of segways right now
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
