I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
