Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Randomize
