Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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