And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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