Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I am one with the molecules
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
