If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
