eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
