At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
