You don't have asthma, your pregnant
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
