She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
