you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
