Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
