last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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