you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
