one word: firstdatebathroomanal
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
