chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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