Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
