Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
She even gives head with a lisp.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
