A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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