If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize