Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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