i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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