Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
