She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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