I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
