hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
